That is the title of a book by Lysa TerKeurst. I had seen the title many times before but felt no interest in reading it until now. I don’t remember exactly from what devotional the excerpt from her book appeared but when I read it, I became intrigued. So, when a 20% off coupon for Barnes and Noble appeared in my inbox today, I went and ordered the book. Then I read a sample reading.
In a previous post I had mentioned that this was the start of another chapter in my journey with God and that it would entail more correction. Well, the image that most people think of when I say that (myself included!) is that it was going to be hard correction. What I learned today is: Never try to figure out what God has in mind till you get there because most likely you will be wrong. When I began to read the sample on of Lysa’s book on B and N’s site, this one sentence jabbed me right in the heart. She found herself with a big problem. She was due to leave on a flight and she realized she had forgotten to put her luggage in the trunk. I guess she thought her friend did it and her friend thought she did it. Either way, Lysa was in full panic mode. She called her friend who was going to try to get the luggage to her but there was only 15 minutes left before luggage would no longer be allowed on board. Lysa found an employee who handles luggage at the curbside check-in and told him her plight but he could not help her. She began berating herself for forgetting and calling herself names. The luggage handler suddenly turned around and said, “Not in my presence. Not in my presence will you talk about yourself that way. Absolutely not.” Lysa thought for a moment she was in the presence of an angel but she obviously was not. Those words hit me hard as if God had just said them to me. Tears welled up in my eyes like a cartoon character whose tears fill up half of her eyes before they spill over.
As I read further, Lysa described her young life with her emotionally absent father who was soon enough physically absent. He just packed up and left her and her mother. She suffered rejection because of that. Suddenly I was identifying with her more and more. The entire title of the book is, “Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out and Lonely.” Because I suffered rejection from before I was born when I later found out from my human father who said my mother didn’t want to be pregnant with me because I ruined her figure. And further rejection at the hands of my brother and two sisters who had horribly abused me when I was very young. They were much older than me; like ten, fifteen and sixteen years older. My father was a tyrant and I never felt loved. Rejection followed me all of my life until Jesus revealed Himself to me much later and ten years after I had left a legalistic church.
The scene prior to that was of a time in her adult life when she is remodeling her kitchen and had a friend come over because she was seeking his advice. The ceiling was exposed and he could see that one of the beams only went three-quarters of the way across. In other words, it was not really supporting much and was nailed to another beam and that was unstable and the whole thing was likely to come apart. She described the boards that were barely hanging on as looking into herself. She said for years she was expecting stability from a broken identity. She went on to say that she heard people talk about putting their identity in Christ but when something felt threatening, she would revert back to old thought patterns of feeling unloved and unwanted. Standing underneath the broken boards told her why. She said, “I couldn’t keep my old broken beliefs, nail a little Jesus truth to the side, and expect stability.”
Ah! That was it! The correction God is going to undertake is the old belief systems. Horrible, lingering bits of belief that was ingrained in me during my 19 years in a horrific legalistic church called the Worldwide Church of god. I used small “g” because they don’t deserve the use of the Big G for their persecution and demeaning of women and children and who painted a picture of God as a mean, vindictive Person. (One time my car broke down in the middle of the road and I was told by the pastor at that time that God was punishing me for whatever sin or infraction the pastor thought I had committed. That’s just a minor example.) But the real culprit was my childhood which set the ground work for getting sucked into that church and staying way too long.
As much as I thought I had weeded out all that old garbage, I realized that some parts of it had still remained and this is now the correction coming my way. God is going to lovingly correct that image that had been painted in my mind. Make no mistake, I love God with all my heart and He knows it. I know He loves me more than I can possibly know this side of Heaven. Bits and pieces of some of the old beliefs have been showing up in this heart-rending trial of my son, David’s, health. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that satan has been doing his part throwing those beliefs in there. Because wherever Jesus is actually leading me will require that ALL the old garbage will gone for good! Satan is feeling threatened.
One more thing: I have a distinct feeling this is going to be a very intimate and personal thing between me and God. I will get to see Him in a whole new light. Because I have been so badly abused and rejected, His approach is going to be decidedly more loving and tender than how His creation has treated me. And…I think I will finally be healed if all that emotional pain. This is the start of something big. 😀 And He gets all the glory.
P.S. I have written another post about this book and would not recommend it. I may be completely wrong about a bunch of things.